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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28832067">whatever you want (if only that could be me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/androgynousmikewheeler/pseuds/androgynousmikewheeler'>androgynousmikewheeler</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>through space and time [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autistic Spencer Reid, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Repression, Trans Spencer Reid, Unresolved Sexual Content, dear lord does morgan have Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:08:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,234</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28832067</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/androgynousmikewheeler/pseuds/androgynousmikewheeler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer is eager to take their relationship to a new level, but Derek has his reservations.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>through space and time [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2261870</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>193</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>whatever you want (if only that could be me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>Derek's lips are on his before his apartment door swings shut behind them. Spencer leans into the kiss, hot and desperate, a movement become almost familiar in the last months. He guides them blindly backwards into the kitchen, laughing into Derek's lips as a striped-socked ankle dislodges one of his many books from its resting place.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He jumps up onto the counter, legs wrapping around Derek's waist as he is pushed against his kitchen cabinets, strong hands in his hair. His left hand absently nudges a bowl away from the counter's edge. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>As his mind begins to race forward, he pulls away from the frenzied kiss, lips red and hair tousled. "Not to be forward," he breathes, "but do you want to have sex with me tonight?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>A look of consternation crosses Derek's face, his posture tensing for just a second before he replaces it with an easy grin. "Wow, pretty boy, you've got such a way with words."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"If I was any good at phrasing, I'd be working on a PhD in literature. But since I know I'm not, you don't have to read my mediocre poetry. So, if anything, you should be grateful."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Wait," Derek laughs, "you write <em>poetry</em>?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer blushes. "You haven't answered my question."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Neither have you," Derek counters.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I asked first, and this conversation has since gone off its designated path, so I'd really like to reroute."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek gives him a lascivious look. "The whole control freak thing is sexy."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Is that a yes? I just would like an answer, because I'm not sure how fast you want to go with any of this, but it's been a few months. I don't want to pressure you into anything, but I'm ready if you are."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek ducks his head and sighs. "Yes," he murmurs, "I absolutely want to have sex with you." He takes Spencer's hand, fidgeting with his fingers. "It's just... I've never..." He trails off, leg twitching.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Had sex with a trans person?" Spencer supplies. He shrugs and waves a hand, unsurprised if mildly disappointed. "It's a common stumbling block in my sex life, don't worry."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek shakes his head. "No. I, um," he clears his throat and drops Spencer's hand, "I've never had sex with a guy." He winces. "Well, except for..." He grits his teeth and quiets, the name heavy in both their throats.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer smiles softly and holds Derek's face in his hands, easing his head up until their eyes meet. "Then, if you'd like, I'd like to do my best to make your first time enjoyable. Show you the ropes and all that."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek nuzzles his cheek into Spencer's palm, reveling in the signature scent of lemon hand sanitizer. "I'd love that."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer kisses him again, gentler, and slides off the counter, taking both his hands and walking backwards into the dim bedroom, Derek in tow.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He flicks on a blue-shaded lamp, casting a cool light on the wrinkled sheets and multitudinous blankets. Derek waggles his eyebrows suggestively, and he laughs. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"What facet of my room do you find arousing, Agent Morgan? My inherent disorganization? My six copies of <em>Les Misérables</em>? The half finished <em>Doctor Who</em> cosplay?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek just chuckles. "God, you're such a dork."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You like it," he smirks, shucking his shoes to uncover striped socks, one green and white, the other yellow and black. He sits on the bed as he pulls off his sweater vest. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>When he notices that Derek standing motionless, still fully dressed and making no movement to change that, he pauses. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Derek," he asks, "is everything alright?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek startles out of his reverie and nods. "Yeah," he mutters, "it's fine. I'm sorry."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Don't be sorry." Spencer pats the mattress beside him. "What's going on in there?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek turns absently on his heel, halfway to pacing. "It's nothing. I'm just being an idiot. Doesn't matter."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer criss-crosses his arms and his legs in a clumsy swarm of limbs. He takes a breath to regain his seriousness and fixes Derek with his ever-insistent doe eyes. "It matters to me. You're clearly bothered, and I want to help."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I–" he blows all the oxygen from his chest and sits beside Spencer on the bed, "I just don't want you to leave." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer's face crinkles with worry. "Why would I leave?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"That's kind of how these things go. I don't have sex with you, you get tired of waiting, you leave. I have sex with you, I don't do it right, you decide you're not really into me, you leave. I have sex with you, it's good, you've gotten what you wanted, you leave." He swallows down the lump in his throat, but his voice breaks regardless. "I have sex with you, you realize that's all I'm actually good for, you leave." He blinks, rubs his face with his hands as if to scrub it away. "I don't know why you wouldn't leave."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer stares ahead in consternation, mumbling something under his breath that sounds rather like, "<em>What the fuck? What is wrong with every relationship you've ever been in?</em>" He lets out a near silent scream, composes himself, and turns towards Derek, waiting for him to look up.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>When Derek's face finally reappears from amongst his fingers, Spencer reaches out a hand and rests it on the back of his neck, thumb stroking the skin behind his ear. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I have no plans of leaving you, Derek."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He scoffs. "Yet."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer sighs. "And you think that if we have sex, that will change?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek shrugs and gives a noncommittal hum.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer's voice is tender. "Don't you understand how I feel about you?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He makes a noise vaguely resembling, "I don't know."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>The words tumble from his mouth unbidden. "Derek, I'm in love with you."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He blinks at Spencer. "What?" he breathes.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"I didn't– I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spring that on you." He ruffles his hair and exhales. "But... I do– I am– I love you. I mean... this isn't some fling for me. I want to be with you for as long as you're willing to be with me. I don't know what this is, because I am completely incompetent at relationships, but... I don't want it to end."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek stares at him, cheeks crinkling his watery eyes, a fragile, awestruck smile. "I love you too."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer's cheeks burn. "Fancy."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek laughs and tugs at Spence's hair. "'Fancy?' I tell you I love you, and your response is, '<em>fancy?'</em>"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He pouts. "I didn't know what to say. I told you I'm bad at this."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Yeah, but you're cute." He winks and then looks back down at his wringing hands. "I <em>do</em> want to have sex with you, but... is it okay if it's not tonight?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer lays his hand over Derek's. "It's okay if it's not this year. I'll wait as long as it takes for you to <em>actually</em> be ready. I meant it when I said I don't want to push you."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek strokes a thumb over Spencer's hand. "Okay."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"You're good for an awful lot more than sex, Derek Morgan, and anyone who ever made you think otherwise is a piece of shit."</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Derek sighs. "Can you just..." his voice breaks, "hold me?"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Spencer wraps his arms around him, Derek leaning into his chest, arms tight about his waist. They sit like that for a long time, neither mentioning the tears soaking into the front of Spencer's shirt.</p>
</div>
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